To my inner teenager
I know you feel let down, I feel that disappointment and sadness
I know you feel cheated, I feel that betrayal
I know you feel unfairly punished, I feel that indignity and rage
I know you feel powerless, I feel that hopelessness and frustration
Our society, and especially our parents taught us that so much of life, so much of what we feel is wrong and needs to be struggled against. Society and my parents led us to a position where we feel so much unnecessary pain, not because they are bad, but because, like us, they have been abuse. Despite what they do and say and may think they want, society and my parents don’t want us to succeed because that would make them feel worse by comparison, and they already believe they are incapable of feeling unconditionally good about themselves because of how they were raised, just like we do.
I apologize for all the time I tried to change you, shame you, bully you into not feeling or at least keeping those feelings to yourself. In this way I am like my parents. All you feel is real.
I acknowledge and honor your pain.
I acknowledge and honor your anger.
i acknowledge and honor your sadness.
I acknowledge and honor your hopelessness.
I accept that you are a part of me and you will never go away, and that this is ok.
If forgiveness feels like surrender, then I will feel that sense of defeat
If healthiness feels like denial and success feels like capitulation, then I will feel the resentment that engenders.
If my reflection feels like a slap in the face, I will feel that sting.
If my voice feels like a disgraceful secret, I will feel that fear and shame.
If my body and mind feel like a prison, I will feel that frustration and rage
If self destruction feels like revenge, I will feel that satisfaction
And I will know that this is all a part of me, but it does not define me and it will not control me. In the end, how I manage reaction to life is up to me, every second of every day. And that is the only real power that I will ever have.